A Silent Journey to Hometown

I was completely unplugged - partly self-imposed and partly due to circumstances - for about two weeks. The journey to my parents' home in Hunan was long, emotional and necessary. The actual stay in that little town where my parents live was short, only six days - but it felt much longer. Every moment was stretched tight to its limit just like the rubber bands in my mouth; I could feel every second ticking away while feeling mom's pulse pulsating loudly in my ears. I spent most of my time in silence, sitting next to mom's bed, holding her hand searching for the right words to say...

We didn't stay up until the clock turned 12 at midnight on the Chinese New Year's Eve - a tradition that we had held onto for every Spring Festival family gathering. We didn't even watch the Chunjie Wanhui. It just didn't feel right to watch a quintessential Chunjie show while mom was in bed.

Firecrackers were crackling up all over the place nonstop for the whole night on the New Year's Eve. We had no where to escape to; under heavy blankets, the crackling noise was muffled, but not shut out completely. I hate firecrackers! What's the point? Is this the essence of Chinese traditions? If all people want is a bit of festive noise, maybe there are more environmentally friendly ways of creating such noise without sending all that extra sulfur into the already polluted air. The so-called new policy allowed people to set off firecrackers for the first three days of the Lunar New Year; of course, many people jumped to the opportunity and embraced the new freedom with excessive amount of enthusiasm, as if the Fortune God is going to bless the household who set off the most amount and the loudest firecrackers. A bunch of superstitious crap!

I don't want to repaint the grim picture of seeing mom lying in bed in pain. Every touch of her body tightened my stomach pushing a knot to my throat and filling tears in my eyes. Washing her makes me realize our body is such a weak defence against human sufferings. For the first time in my life, I began to face death and understand death in a different light; it's no longer other people's stories. It's my own story; it's the body that gave birth to me.

I hope mom can achieve a peaceful mindset in the midst of all the pain and unresolved feelings which I'll have to save for the private pages of my journal.

Love. Peace. Serenity. Dignity. Grace. Magnanimity.